A Comedy of AR's

Chapter 70
CHAPTER 170 .......... And Then There Were Three

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CHAPTER  170

(Derrek) Well, Madeline’s not alone.  That thing you call the ‘water surprise’ … We call it the ‘water curse’.  I’ve been going to middle school this year because I want to play sports.  But I’m not really twelve years old.   I’m twenty-eight.”

David and Debbie Davenport were dumbfounded.  The expressions on their faces were perhaps similar to what they’d look like if they ran into their first encounter with a space alien.

Neither knew what to say so Daniel made the next move.  He stood up and said, “Folks, we better order some pizza before management kicks us out.  Are we all in for the buffet tonight?”

After we started digging in to our hot meals, the little girl had a solution.  “See, Mom?  Derrek and I can have sex whenever we want now … legally … So can we have a boy – girl sleepover this weekend … Please? … It’ll be so fun, just us two adults.”

The girl’s father mentioned, “Don’t you think it might be a good idea if you consulted with Derrek and his mother first … before you start inviting yourself over?”

“Sure.  So Derrek, do you consent to a boy – girl sleepover with me?”

I hesitated.  “Ummmmmm … But if I’m twelve and you’re seven, wouldn’t that make ME the creepy one?”

“Not under the law, boyfriend … And I promise I’ll never be like Sally.  I’ll always ask what you want to do first … or we can do nothing … just be together and chill.”

“Madeline, we chilled a few weeks ago when five-year-old Johnny Meeks sat on your lap in Math class.”

“Wait a minute, Derrek … Was that really you?!”

“It was … and remember how Daniel pretended to be my dad?”

“No wonder you asked me to be your girlfriend.”

The girl’s mother looked across the table.  “Sammantha, any opinion?  What do you think of this boy—girl sleepover?”

Sammantha always had a reputation for being blunt.  “I think that Madeline wants to sink her tentacles into Derrek’s back and whisk him away in the night and elope with him.”

That sure alarmed me.  “But Mom!  I’ve already told Madeline that you and I are betrothed.  We love each other and we’re going to get married … When?  I don’t know, but we will.  I would NEVER leave you.”

Madeline surprised me by saying in her high voice, “Your mom’s right, Derrek.  Always beware of letting another woman, or a camel, into the family tent.  I’m only interested in the child body that you occupy now.  You couldn’t possibly be this scrumptious as a 28 year old.  Is he, Sammantha?”

“Even more so, Madeline.  His super hot body is what attracted me to him in the first place.  So you’ll probably want to steal him from me at age 28 too.”

“I totally understand, Sammantha,” said the girl.  “How about if I make a pledge to everyone at this table.  I promise that I will not try to steal Derrek from Sammantha.  And I promise I will not frolic sexually with him if either one of us is physically over 18.  Just having a friend with benefits in middle school would be nice.”

Sammantha spoke with a stern voice.  “I will allow the two of you to ‘frolic’ no more than once per quarter.  That’s four times in a year … no more.  And it must be at our apartment.  You don’t have to have sex all the time either.  Maybe you two and Hoshiko could go bowling or something like that.”

I agreed.  “That would be a great idea, Mom.”

Debbie looked puzzled and she pointed at both of us.  “I don’t get this relationship here.  So if Derrek is 28 and Sammantha is close to 28, why would you address her as ‘Mom’?”

I chuckled a little as I ate my pizza.  “It turns out that Sammantha is the greatest mom in the whole world … for me anyway.  We started it as role play about five months ago when she accidentally spilled a water bottle on my back.  When she opened her eyes, there was a naked ten-year-old kid who was grabbing her boobs.”

Everyone at the table was laughing now.

“So she was royally pissed and it took me over an hour to convince her that big Derrek was now little Derrek.  I think what saved me was that I was really cute with long hair.”

Madeline nodded.  “You don’t have to convince me of that.”

“So Sammantha’s motherly instinct kicked in and she insisted on being my mom.  Honestly, at first, it was embarrassing and awkward being treated like a child with early bedtimes, and an occasional spanking.”

“I’d like to spank you, Derrek,” Madeline squealed.

“And I had to take my clothes off so she could bathe me in milk.”

Debbie responded, “Ohhhhhh, we use seltzer water.”

“But as time went on, our bond became rock solid and I’m afraid I’d be unhappy if I returned to being an adult now.”

Debbie pressed on with her questions.  “So Derrek, you don’t have to answer this, but I’m just curious.  Since you regressed to a child, have you and Sammantha ever … done it?”

“It’s okay.  I don’t mind answering … and it’s a ‘yes’.  We’ve had sex in an airplane, sex jumping out of an airplane, sex underwater with a lemon shark, and there’s plenty of times we just like to ‘spoon’.”

“I don’t want to see Madeline jumping out of an airplane with you.  But do you know how people get this water curse in the first place?”

“Yes … A red-headed prostitute named Queenemma Allred uses a syringe gun to inject a computer microchip into their medulla oblongata, the lower part of the brain that controls involuntary actions like breathing and heartbeat.  The person becomes groggy for a couple minutes and when they wake up, they’ve got the water curse. 

“So you met this prostitute?”

“One night when I was downtown, she offered me her services and I told her, ‘Get away, you skank’.  Apparently, that pissed her off enough that she zapped me.  I’m not exactly sure why my body cells contract when ordinary H2O touches my skin.  But I’m guessing that those cells remain in the body in the form of a gas … so that when I’m a child, my body has a lighter weight.”

“But Madeline doesn’t meet with prostitutes.”

The little girl with the squeaky voice answered, “Duhhhhhhhh, Mom … Come on, I was the public defender for Queenemma in court and Daniel was my opposing attorney.  I’m talking about this Daniel right here.”

Daniel added, “Queenemma lost her case, so she zapped us both, Mrs. Davenport.”

Madeline’s mother was surprised again.  “Wait a second.  Are you saying that you also have the water curse?”

“Yes, Ma’am.  Welcome to the club.  There’s three of us now.”

“Really … I don’t know what to say,” Debbie replied.  “Could there be more?”

I answered, “Probably, in the Buffalo area … but we don’t know who, or how to reach them.”

“Do you know how Queenemma got her syringe gun?”

“Daniel and I have discussed the subject quite a bit.  We don’t know for sure, but our speculation is that she’s an escapee from a government black-ops experiment.  They kidnapped a person they figured would have no family members to care about her.  So perhaps the whole venture went sideways when she escaped with some of their equipment.”

“I see … But Derrek, what could possibly be the purpose of making people younger?  Is it to make money?”

“Not likely.  It would’ve been on the market by now … But our best guess is … if the government is behind it, then it’s probably for military use … maybe drop innocent-looking children behind enemy lines who grow up fast and engage is espionage.  That’s why Daniel and I keep a low profile.  We don’t want the government keeping us captive and experimenting on us.”

“Yes, we felt the same way about Madeline.  We’ve kept it private.  But have you and Daniel ever considered having surgery to remove the microchip?”

“That wouldn’t help.  The chip’s programming affects the electrical synapses in the brain and then the chip becomes dormant.”

“How do you know that, Derrek?”

(There was no need at this time to talk about our ‘body-switching’.  When I entered Sammantha’s female body, the water curse came with me … while the boy’s body which still had the chip in his medulla could splash in water all he wanted.  That was a surprise to everyone.)

“That’s a conversation for another day … Now I have a question for you, Debbie.  Why did you let Madeline register for middle school this year?”

The girl’s father stepped in to answer that one.  “Because we’re stupid parents, Derrek.  It’s been a nightmare for two years … changing diapers, buying tons of clothes to fit every age as she grew back up … afraid to take her to a doctor.”

The mom continued, “It only took two weeks for her to get back to 30 years old, but then she kept having ‘accidents’ … touching water all the time in odd places … bathrooms, sidewalk puddles at night, restaurants … and half the rainy days, she wanted to call in sick from work.”

David Davenport added, “Derrek, we had a kid who was crying every night, and her boss wanted to fire her for high absenteeism … a classic case of job burnout ... anxiety depression, suicidal thoughts, the whole nine yards.  She wanted to quit and do something else, like relive her childhood.  She wore us down, Derrek … and we finally gave in and changed her last name for school.  We told the principal she was adopted.”

Debbie concluded, “And we’re still not happy about it.  By this time, we expected to be playing with grandchildren, not re-raising our daughter.”

“There’s still hope for grandchildren,” I told her.  Then I looked to my left.  “Daniel, you’re 32.  How come you never got married?”

Daniel offered a sly grin and replied, “Why look for other women?  I was having too much fun banging my secretary.  Then the water curse happened.”

“But you did say that you wanted to ask out Madeline Davenport.  Was she cute as a grownup?”

“Nope, more like drop-dead gorgeous.  What are you trying to do, play Cupid here?”

I stretched my hands forward to explain, “From my own experience, a person with a water curse has a hard time getting dates … and a harder time keeping them.  Whenever a water accident happened, I soon realized that none of my girlfriends wanted to change my diapers.”

“So you’re trying to hook me up with Madeline?  Derrek, wouldn’t there be a bit of a ‘creep-factor’ if I started dating a seven-year-old?”

The young girl issued a warning across the table.  “Daniel, if you insult me one more time, I’ll crawl under this table and punch you right in the balls.”

I sighed, “So glad to see this relationship get off to such a good start.  When you’re both adults, it’ll be different … I promise.”

Madeline changed the subject.  “So Derrek, can I sleep over with you tonight or not?”

I looked to my right.  “Mom?”

Sammantha tilted her head.  “If you do, then that’s the last one till December.”

The little girl smiled.  “I like that idea, Derrek.  We could look forward to New Year’s Eve together as twelve-year-olds … whooo, hot bodies all night long … And Sammantha and Daniel could go out on the town together … yowzers!”

Madeline’s mother couldn’t help but dampen things a little.  She pointed her finger in her daughter’s face.  “A rule for tonight, young lady … no intercourse, either vaginal or anal.  Your body parts are too small for Derrek.  And if you’re going to suck on his penis, make sure you wash it first.”

What we realized too late, was that a teenage drink-server girl was standing just one table away with a pair of very large eyes.

Sammantha took over.  “Everyone stand,” she ordered.  “I’m leaving 7 twenty-dollar bills on the table, no credit cards.  Let’s get the hell out of here before someone calls the police.”