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Re:Mommy Mall (Draft) (UB, BF, AR) (1 viewing) (1) Guests
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TOPIC: Re:Mommy Mall (Draft) (UB, BF, AR)
#22032
Wise288 (User)
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Mommy Mall (Draft) (UB, BF, AR) 1 Year, 2 Months ago Karma: -1  
It was a balmy summer afternoon at the Astarte Meadows Mall, and a group of classmates were celebrating their graduation from high school at the food court, or at least, some of them were.

"Stupid bitch Cavendash making me go to summer school." A young man muttered, hands clutched on the sides of his spiky blonde head.

Next to him, a pretty young girl with dark skin and long hair pulled into dreadlocks "Right Davis, she's the stupid one. How could she not see the brilliance of wasting all your time on a crappy youtube series or 'answer everything with C' test-taking _style_?" she scoffs

"Seriously dude, Sabrina's right. You screwed yourself over. Though, given your Kleenex budget, that's nothing new." Another boy, this one with a buzzcut and goatee smirks, the whole group save Davis laughing."

"Have I mentioned I fucking hate you Eric?" he grumbles, crossing his arms.

"Love you too sunshine." Eric winks

"Not that this isn't fun, but I gotta pee. BRB" A girl with pale skin and violet hair says, sitting up and skipping off, her fancy ankh necklace bouncing around her neck as she went.

Eric _b_link__s "...did you hear her say 'brb' phonetically as well or am I stroking out?"

Sabrina sighs "No Eric, that's just Willie."

Eric clicks his tongue "Damn, it's never the stroke."

A third girl adjusts her glasses, framing her heart-shaped face, green eyes and coal black hair "So...you hear there's been another disappearance?"

Eric groans "Aaand hear comes UFO Yuki trying to make first conta-AH SHIT!!" He yowls as Sabrina stomps his foot.

"Enough Eric, Davis was asking for it, Yuki didn't do anything to you."

The last two members of the group were sitting at their own table. On the left was a tall girl with unusually masculine features wearing a long-sleeved blouse and skinny jeans "Seriously Eric, it's all snark from you. Can't you be nice for once?" She sighs, looking at her Instagram.

"Nah, Eric would sooner stop breathing than stop cracking wise." The other girl giggles, wearing a pink beanie, white t-shirt, and black shorts, her hair dyed neon orange.

"Hey now, have I ever said a bad word about either of you? Alexa, you've nothing but my love and support. Sylvia, you're one of the coolest girls I know. I just call out stuff that annoys me. Like Yuki thinking everything's aliens and Davis being a complete dipshit horndog."

"Uh huh, check out that fine piece of ass." he said, nodding at a redhead moving towards the restrooms.

"I rest my case." Eric sighs.

"Eric, Yuki's just trying to share, and we agreed to help her come out of her shell. Yuki honey, tell us your story." Sabrina says softly.

"In Norway, four people in the past two weeks just vanished into thin air. Homes were locked, nothing taken, no body, no blood, nothing that could count as evidence."

Sabrina shivers "Weird. I wonder if anything like that happens here?"

-MM-

Willie was washing her hands, humming quietly to herself. Turning towards the dryer, she accidentally collides with another woman.

"Oh shit, sorry lady, didn't see you there." she mutters, looking up. She lets out a soft gasp at the woman before her. She was beautiful, long red hair, dark blue eyes, and creamy pale skin.

"No harm done dearest. My, you're just adorable aren't you?" she coos, stroking the back of her head.

"Uh..." Willie stammers, face bright pink, unsure how to react. Something about the way she looked and the scent of her perfume was causing her head to swim.

The woman unhooks part of the dress, revealing her naked breast to Willie.

Willie pulls back "What the hell are you doing lady!? I gotta-"

"Shhhh, now-now. No fussing love, just drink mommy's milk like a good girl." the woman coos, pulling Willie forward onto her breast.

Willie fights for a few seconds before suckling from the woman's breast.

-MM-

Eric looks at his phone "Calling it now, Two-Twenty four pm, Willie managed to flush herself down the toilet."

Davis smirks "For once, I agree with you. How long does it take a girl to pee?"

Sabrina rolls her eyes "I'll go look for her."

Making her way back into the bathroom she was about to call for Willie when her words got caught in her throat. Infront of her was a woman with red hair and pale skin, breastfeeding a child in the middle of the bathroom. What was scaring her though was that around the child were Willies clothes, most notably her fancy ankh necklace around their neck. It also seemed like the child was somehow shrinking as she suckled.

Her brain overloading with the shocking imagery, Sabrina runs away, somehow making it back to the table on autopilot.

Eric sits up "Sabrina? What happened? Where's Willie?"

Sabrina gulps "I-I think I figured where all the disappearing people went..."

-MM-

Eric nods "So you saw a woman in the middle of the bathroom breastfeeding a shrinking child who just so happened to be wearing Willie's clothes, and you think it means Willies been turned into a toddler."

"I know it sounds crazy, but what other explanation is there?" Sabrina mutters, shaking slightly.

Eric takes her hands and smiles gently at her "A simple one." he then turns to Davis "The hell did you put in her drink!?"

Davis scoffs "What? Nothing! Way to frigid for me to find attractive."

Eric growls "I swear to god man..."

"Hey is that her?"

The group looks up to see Alexa pointing towards the red-headed woman from before, only now she was five months pregnant.

Eric _b_link__s "Okay unless you're a pre-cog, I don't think she was breastfeeding anything." he says, putting a hand on Sabrina's shoulder

"What? No, I, she had an actual child. I'm not crazy!" she sobs into Eric's shoulder.

"Guys...I think she's right." Davis of all people says, looking at his phone.

Eric looks up "Let me see." he says, taking the phone. On it was a photo of the woman walking to the restroom, considerably less pregnant.

"...Okay, this just buried the needle on the 'weirdshit-o-meter'. Sabrina, I'm so sorry."

Sabrina shakes her head "Not your fault. Come on! We need to follow her and figure out what happened to Willie."

(First part of a reeeaaally rough draft. Feedback and advice are welcome and appreciated.)
 
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#22034
vended (User)
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Re:Mommy Mall (Draft) (UB, BF, AR) 1 Year, 2 Months ago Karma: 7  
It's well written. You got the storytelling right, and the dialogs feel alive, organics, even if it make them somewhat hard to follow sometimes.

The plot is intriguing, and it look like you got an interesting start you could twist in many, many directions.

My only real beef with the story is that the writting felt a bit lazy. The characters randomly talk of some disappearance affecting a tiny amount of persons in a country miles away, and the next moment one of them just happen to be the target of one of such attack? Seem a bit too coincidental for my suspension of disbelief. ^^

Still, the story look good, and it sure make me eager to read more.

Keep the great work!
 
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Last Edit: 2018/07/05 19:33 By vended.
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#22035
Wise288 (User)
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Re:Mommy Mall (Draft) (UB, BF, AR) 1 Year, 2 Months ago Karma: -1  
Thanks, and yeah. On a reread, I thought making it the next city/state over would've made the threat feel closer to home. Still, thank you for your kind words. I'll start working on the next bit soon.
 
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#22036
Wise288 (User)
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Re:Mommy Mall (Draft) (UB, BF, AR) 1 Year, 2 Months ago Karma: -1  
Eric looks around "Damn, she did come this way right?"

Sabrina groans "I thought so! What are we gonna do now?"

Davis punches his palm "Split up, everyone look in a store and call if we find her."

Sylvia sighs "And then what? Tell the police she used magic boob milk to turn our friend into a fetus? Think Davis, we gotta be smart about this."

Sabrina thinks "Okay Davis, you go scout stores you think she's at, we're gonna keep walking around here."

Davis pumps his fist and runs off, Alexa watching him "Is that really the best move Sabrina?"

"Well, one of two things will happen. One, he'll find her, call us and we can corner her together. Two, he dicks around the mall while we focus on actually saving Willie. Either one works in my opinion."

Eric grins "Nice job, this'll make things way simpler. Besides-"

-MM-

How much trouble can he get into on his own?

Davis smiles and heads into Victoria's Secret, looking around while his 'girlfriend' tried on something. As he looked around, he hears a throat clear behind him.

"Oh, sorry mam, my guh..." he began to explain, but lost his train of thought as he turned around. Infront of him was an incredibly beautiful woman. She had silky black hair worn in a bob, her light brown skin making her glow in the dim light of the store. She also wore a dark green dress that seemed familiar somehow...

"Hey there handsome. Does your mommy know you're peeking at ladies undies?" She teases, making Davis blush brightly.

"Nuh-no.high school grad, I don't need her to hold my hand and I was peeking at anyone, I was just, uh, looking for someone," Davis says, crossing his arms.

"Really? So am I. I'm looking for a big strong man to keep me company at night." She purrs, stepping closer.

"Muh-mam?" Davis asks, his mind reeling from the sudden advances.

"Call me Wendy. Do you have a name? Or should I just call you Cutie?" Wendy giggles

"Davis, but I also go by stud muffin, sexy, and yours." he grins

Wendy laughs "Oh my god you're just precious! My friends will love you!"

Davis _b_link__s "Friends? Shit, look I am...painfully sorry, but I need to go back to looking for my friend, she's lost in the mall and might need help."

Wendy pouts "Come now, your friend has a phone, right? She'd call if she needed help."

Davis bites his lip "Well..."

"And I'm sure that even if something was wrong, someone would say something, it's a big mall after all"

Davis looks at the ground "Well...I do have other friends looking for her."

Wendy grins "Then what say we head back into the changing room and I can show you something really special?" she giggles, taking his hand and leading him back.

-MM-

Davis shuffles awkwardly as Wendy locks the stall "I'm just letting you know, I've never done it with an older woman before..."

Wendy giggles and turns around, opening the to top flaps of her dress to reveal her mocha colored breasts "Then it's about time you started. Come to mommy big boy."

Davis stares at her wide-eyed "...don't have to tell me twice!" he yelps before making his way over. Bending down, he starts to suck on Wendy's chest, eliciting a moan from her. To his shock, a jet of liquid shot into his mouth with each suck. It was sweeter and heavier than anything he'd ever had from a carton. It made his whole body feel warm and fuzzy. He smiled and kept nursing, Wendy smiling down at him.

"My my, you're hungry aren't you my little man?" Wendy coos, holding Davis close as his clothes got baggier. Soon, she picked him up and sat on the bench provided by the stall, placing the toddler sized Jason on her knee. He had since shrunken out of his clothes and was focused on drinking her warm milk.

"I think I want to keep you a boy. I know what the others will say, but you're just too cute to change! Though as your mother, I'll be working to raise you better than to try and peek at girls in a lingerie store. But we have all the time in the world don't we Davey?" Wendy giggles as the boy stopped shrinking, having reached the size of a newborn. With a big yawn, Davis falls asleep in the bizarre woman's arms.

She sighs "Okay, now for the hard part..." Wendy mutters.

Lowering Davis to her pelvis, she hitches up her skirt and begins to insert his tiny feet into her vagina. Wendy takes a deep breath and slowly pulls him inside, using her hands to help guide until she got to his waist, and let her body take care of the rest. After what felt like an eternity, she sat up, smiling at her now pregnant belly. "A big strong man to keep me company, just what I always wanted." she giggles.

-MM-

The group stops outside Victorias secret and groan "Where the hell did he go!? We need that picture on his phone to help identify her!" Sabrina growls, looking around.

Eric shrugs "We checked all his favorite stores, maybe he went home? Or is being detained for trying to peek at girls in the Victorias Secret again."

Sabrina shakes her head "Fine. Let's just...lets just go. We still gotta find Willie." she mutters, walking off. The remaining four look at each other and follow her.

As they turn around, Eric spots Wedy walking out of the store humming to herself. He stares at her for a minute before catching up to the others.

(And this dear readers, is why you don't split the party. Again, notes welcome, hope you enjoy)
 
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#22038
Groblek (User)
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Re:Mommy Mall (Draft) (UB, BF, AR) 1 Year, 2 Months ago Karma: 5  
Ooh, fun! You’ve definitely got an interesting story going here, I look forward to seeing where it goes.

Cheers,
Groblek
 
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#22039
Wise288 (User)
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Re:Mommy Mall (Draft) (UB, BF, AR) 1 Year, 2 Months ago Karma: -1  
Thank you so much! I'm so happy you like it! I'm working on the third part as we speak, hopefully it'll be done in the next day or two
 
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