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TOPIC: The Gate.
#12279
MrChristopher (User)
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The Gate. 8 Years, 6 Months ago Karma: 2  
Okay, so before I continues posting this story, I want to review it. I've been workng on this for a long time and I haven't been getting much feedback from people so I am posting this here in the hopes I will get some feedback.


The Gate.

Chapter 1 - The End.

By: MrChristopher


It was raining. I remember that because it was raining so hard the car had stalled. It was on that Cliffside road on the way to his parent’s cottage. I tried to fix it, but I was getting nowhere. So I decided to go back to the car, with him.

“Liam you goof,” It was him, my gorgeous black haired Adonis was calling, “I told you it was no use trying to fix the car.”

Alec, a name I would fight and die for. My boyfriend. He’s perfect. Smart, kind, generous and beautiful; I constantly ask how so much beauty could fill one man, but then again I constantly ask how he ended up with me.

“I know, but you know how thick headed I am,” I tried to be charming; “I just wanted to get you home safely, me being the big heroic type and all.”
“Well Mister Hero, I guess we’ll have to stay here for a while.”

He gave me one of those looks. A look he always gave me. It was so sexy but at the same time, so clever. It drove me wild.

“What ever will we do?” He mocked as he unbuttoned his shirt slowly.
“I have no idea,” I played along as I went in for a kiss.

It’s funny how contrasted two people can be. How far apart they are but so close. We were so different but we balanced each other so well.

My Adonis, I must have been the envy of the gods.

We were locked in an all consuming passionate kiss. I found it hard for my mind to wander at all, except to the thoughts of his sweet embrace.

“Let’s get you out of those wet clothes Liam, and into something-
“More comfortable?” I completed his sentence.

He started to slowly take off my shirt, his touch was soft and I yearned for it. But he stopped. A bright light appeared through the darkness of the stormy night. I thought it would pass; apparently so did he, so we continued. The screeching of tires was deafening; the wet pavement only made it worse. The almost thunderous sound of eighteen-wheeler’s horn cried out in warning, but it was too late.

The truck had slammed into the back of our car. The sickening crunch of _meta_l and shattering of glass was nothing compared to the screams of my Alec, my Adonis. It seemed the gods were truly envious, for they were trying to take him away from me.
The headlights of the monstrous truck blinded us for a few seconds but soon it faded. My vision cleared, the warmth pouring from my body, through my chest, shoulder and lower abdomen. In the ensuing chaos several long pipes had shot off the eighteen wheeler’s bed and through the car’s back end. As I looked upon him one last time all I could hear were his words. Words he had said so many times but never before had they had more meaning.

“Will you love me forever?” he would ask.
And I would reply, “Forever and ever, babe,”

I wish I could tell you what had happened to Alec, to me, and even the truck driver, but I can’t. I haven’t seen that light yet; It’s been darkness ever since. I’m stuck and it feels like eternity without Alec. I’ve seen glimpses, visions and flickers of him. Flickers of hope that keeps me going; it’s the double edged sword that pins me here, Waiting.


* * *

I had been alone for so long, it felt like decades. So it was strange when the shadow figures appeared. Hundreds of them gathered in a circle around me. Wordless but there silence seemed to fill my ears with an imperceptibly maddening sound. Then, it was as if the blackness suddenly crumbled beneath me, and the light poured in. Uncompromisingly it dragged me back to the moment, that cold, dark moment. As I clawed at the nothing around me I tried to grab at something, anything; all I got was fistfuls of the dark and empty spaces.

Panic surged throughout my entire body as the pale current flared; relentlessly tugging at me. I tried to cry out for help from the shadow figures but my lungs had become tight and breathless. The Light grew brighter hauling me away at a high speed with vicious unrelenting force, beating every which part of my body against the jagged nothingness.

As I gasped for the air I so desperately needed, the light delivered one last devastating blow. The last thing I remember was the light, blinding me; taking me away. How would Alec find me now?


* * *


When I woke up I felt as if I were floating. My head was reeling and everything around me was so bright I couldn’t see a thing. This was nothing like what I expected the bright light at the end of the tunnel to be. Maybe I was finally at peace. But there was no such luck. As quickly as the light had come, it faded and slowly everything started to take form.

“So much for the white light,” I thought out loud.
“Liam?”

My heart ached when I recognized that soft, almost angelic voice. It ran over me like honey. It was so smooth and sweet; it was him. I knew it was him, it had to be.

“Alec…” I said softly, reality seemed to be on hold for me at the moment, “I thought...I died d-didn’t I?”
“It’s okay Liam, you’re not dead buddy,” he said in an almost sad tone.

His words seemed strange to me. Little by little I was slipping out of my dream like state but everything around me remained blurred.

“I’m blind,” I panicked but then Alec chuckled. I heard him move and could see the flesh tones of his hands come close to my face as he placed a pair of circular glasses on me.

Everything was suddenly in focus and Then I saw him, bent over sitting by my bed and I forgot about the hospital, the world, everything. He looked up at me with his sweet, forgiving blue eyes and he was more beautiful than ever. He was more defined, older but somehow different.

“Where are we?” I asked; my body ached. Everything sounded alien to me. Then something struck me and everything snapped back in reality. Something was wrong. Was it my voice? My body? Or maybe it was a voice in the back of my head, itching at my brain.

“We’re in the hospital,”
“What’s going on?” I asked. “What happened to me, I thought I died.”
“No Liam,” he explained; it was as if it were painful for him to look at me, “You’re going to be fine,”

He looked like he was about to cry. Whatever had happened, it couldn’t be that horrible. Was I disfigured? I knew I couldn’t have been paralysed, I could still move, so what could it be?

“Can I see a mirror,” I asked.
“A mirror?” he sounded confused.
“Yeah, is there one I can see?”

Alec smiled sweetly, but we both knew he was hiding something.

“Here you go,” he handed me a hand mirror off the side desk.

When I looked in the mirror everything stopped. It wasn’t me. Staring back at me was the face of a three year old boy. What made it stranger was that he had a lot of my features. My straight, dark brown hair, my grey eyes, long black eyelashes and peach stained lips; he even had my fair complexion. Still, it wasn’t me.

“Alec,” I looked up at my Adonis. I wanted to cry; I could feel my emotions bubbling deep within my chest, threatening to spill out if I said another word.

That’s when he wrapped his arms around my small body and held me. That was different too. It wasn’t how one held a lover in distress; rather it was how one held a distraught child. He kept repeating the words, “I’m sorry,” as he continued to caress me.

“It’s not your fault,” Was all I could manage to think of.

As good as he looked I could tell he had been up for days, maybe weeks. He was unshaven and his black hair messily parted. He smelt of cologne, which he only wore when he didn’t have a chance to shower. His clothes were clean but wrinkled and his breath smelled of mint chewing gum.

“I’m so sorry they’re gone,” Alec mumbled, “Your mother and father, they’re gone.”
“What?” I thought out loud. He wasn’t making any sense. They had died years before.
“I can’t believe they’re gone,” he repeated again, “I’m so sorry Marie.”
“Marie…” it didn’t make sense, “that was…”

My sister’s name; He was talking about my sister.

“No!” I tried to pushed him away, “No, she’s not gone,”

I tried to deny it, make sense of it, but it was all happening so quickly. I began to cry loudly as Alec held me tight. I tried to push and kick but it didn’t help. I denied it a hundred times in my head. I was the one who was supposed to be dead, not her.

“Liam are you okay?” he had worry in his voice again.

I looked up at him but a wet spot forming on my blankets caught my eye. I threw them off and with a look of horror I realised I was pissing all over myself. All I could do was continue to cry.

“Liam,” he said my name again and it started to come together. It wasn’t my name. It was his. My sister had always promised to name her first born boy after me. So it was true.

I’m not me.
 
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Last Edit: 2011/03/03 16:18 By MrChristopher.
 
So let me finish by say something…consider it a homage to hope, a message to the Humans, Chronic Ahem...Readers, and unidentifiable of the internet. Nobody likes drama, grief, and hate, so be responsible, spay and neuter your trolls today.
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#12280
vended (User)
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Re:The Gate. 8 Years, 6 Months ago Karma: 7  
Well, it's well written. It's a good story.

But the scenario's not my liking, so I didn't reviews it

I think autors don't really like it when readers post a review only to say it wasn't their tastes.
 
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Last Edit: 2011/03/03 16:44 By vended.
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#12281
MrChristopher (User)
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Re:The Gate. 8 Years, 6 Months ago Karma: 2  
Even if the reader doesn't like something about the story, I would rather they tell me what they didn't like then nothing at all. What I cannot stand is when people leave one sentence, "It was good" or "needs work," comments. You can't improve if you don't know what needs improvement; that is why I love reviews.

Anywho, hopefully people will give longer reviews and they don't have to be good ones either, be critical if needed, I can take it. I've been doing this a while now.
 
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So let me finish by say something…consider it a homage to hope, a message to the Humans, Chronic Ahem...Readers, and unidentifiable of the internet. Nobody likes drama, grief, and hate, so be responsible, spay and neuter your trolls today.
  The administrator has disabled public write access.
#12285
vended (User)
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graph
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Re:The Gate. 8 Years, 6 Months ago Karma: 7  
Well, I can say I've posted a good bunch of reviews on the Archive, many times expressing my views over what I liked or not about the way the autor wrote his or her story.

But here, it's not a problem of _script_ lacking, everything is fine in your story in how well it's written.
But seing how you absolutely want to get reviews of it, I've read the whole thing and here's mine.
I don't really like what your story is about, because It's just not the sort of AR I search when coming here.
In fact, it don't seem AR at all in my eyes. It's more of a body transfer. I prefer when the characters see their own body getting younger and recognise them. They're youngers versions of them, but it's still theirs body.

And there's no process. It's a "poof" story to the bones. First we see him in his normal adult body. A few words later he's in his new final form.

I prefer reading de_script_ion of the AR, in an indirect way, like telling us how tall the character is beside a door knob rather than telling directly the height, or sending hints of the new age by making the character remember how he used to get thoses freckles in (whatever) grade rather than each times stating 10, 9, 8, 7, etc...

Making the AR offscreen can also be good in my eyes if there's more after it. But here, all is finished, Rideau.

I don't specially like story who're mainly about "after AR": too much angst. And I don't see the point. Sorry, that's just not my taste, and that's why I didn't posted reviews.

But as it's not the story in itself who's wrong, I didn't left reviews criticising it like when autors don't use paragraphs or write like camels.

It would be like sending mails to Styephen King because there's not enough Spaceships in his storys. That's just not the point of the storys.
They're good, but not my taste.
Same for your story.

By the way, if you want to know what sort of story get a lot of reviews here, get a look at those written by Sumner.
I also personally like Regrescent.

(escuse my english)
 
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Last Edit: 2011/03/03 20:30 By vended.
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#12286
MrChristopher (User)
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Re:The Gate. 8 Years, 6 Months ago Karma: 2  
You have some good points and I can see where you're coming from. The story itself leans more towards mental regression and the next chapter starts revealing that. My others stories focus more on the aspects of physical regression, showing the process and the struggle. I have been working on The Gate for quite a while and it's meant to be a pretty in depth story.

I appreciate your review Vended, and the next story I post will definately have more Physical AR.
 
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So let me finish by say something…consider it a homage to hope, a message to the Humans, Chronic Ahem...Readers, and unidentifiable of the internet. Nobody likes drama, grief, and hate, so be responsible, spay and neuter your trolls today.
  The administrator has disabled public write access.
#12287
guy little (User)
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Re:The Gate. 8 Years, 6 Months ago Karma: 3  
There are a great, great many ways to tell a story. No one is going to like all of those ways, and none of the methods are ever going to please all.

You have written a story which wants to build a very definite and strong mood. That is hard to do, and you succeed fairly well - actually very well for someone who is giving their efforts away for free. Just because not everyone wants to be in the place you created, doesn't mean it isn't a fine story, it is.

If you wanted to make your task even harder, you could try to begin in a light mood with hints of foreboding, and then move through fear and shock to maudlin and on to shock again, but I don't think the story needs any of that really. The characters are real, and the teller is aware of the fate as he tells the story.
 
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