Main Menu
Home
Stories
Discuss
Latest Images
Image Gallery
Captions Gallery
Dreamtales' AR Comics
About AR Archive Premium
About BoJay Premium
Videos
Large Media
Continuous Story
AR Chat
Links
Submit a Story
News
Terms and Conditions
Register
CB Login


  Home arrow Discuss


AR Search Engine - Search this selected other AR/AP sites Powered by Google


AR Archive Discussion Board
Welcome, Guest
Please Login or Register.    Lost Password?
Is this too long? Too slow? (1 viewing) (1) Guests
Go to bottom Post Reply Favoured: 0
TOPIC: Is this too long? Too slow?
#12278
MrChristopher (User)
Junior Boarder
Posts: 22
graphgraph
User Offline Click here to see the profile of this user
Re:Is this too long? Too slow? 8 Years, 6 Months ago Karma: 2  
Okay,

What I meant by Sporadic is that the writing doesn't flow properly. It isn't paced and the sentence structure is the biggest problem. When you edit a story you should read it aloud to yourself so you can hear what it sounds like. I find that if something sounds right in you head, it doesn't always sound right when read aloud and often it will make stories hard for others read.

Also, you don't need to write "he said angrily," but some hint to the emotions of the characters is important. If you want you Narrator to be a detached third person, as if he were viewing and was not omnipotent, then you need to describe how people say things or react.

Detached Narrators are wonderful tools to present a story, but you need to be careful that they aren't to detached or your readers won't connect with the story.
 
Report to moderator   Logged Logged  
 
So let me finish by say something…consider it a homage to hope, a message to the Humans, Chronic Ahem...Readers, and unidentifiable of the internet. Nobody likes drama, grief, and hate, so be responsible, spay and neuter your trolls today.
  The administrator has disabled public write access.
#12315
stinkydiaper (User)
Fresh Boarder
Posts: 8
graphgraph
User Offline Click here to see the profile of this user
Re:Is this too long? Too slow? 8 Years, 6 Months ago Karma: 0  
I am loving it! I wish I could write like you as well. You've drawn me into the story, I love when only the main character notices the changes. I can't wait for more!
 
Report to moderator   Logged Logged  
  The administrator has disabled public write access.
#12329
vended (User)
Platinum Boarder
Posts: 1441
graph
User Offline Click here to see the profile of this user
Re:Is this too long? Too slow? 8 Years, 6 Months ago Karma: 7  
Look more like a case where the regressed is oblivious (at last at first) of the changes happening to him, rather than one where only the main character notices the changes.

But I don't know what guy little's planning.

Anyway I must agree : I can't wait for more. The chapter 2, where elements of an AR story really begins to appear, make it very promising.

(escuse my english)
 
Report to moderator   Logged Logged  
 
Last Edit: 2011/03/14 13:26 By vended.
  The administrator has disabled public write access.
#12373
Viridian (User)
Fresh Boarder
Posts: 14
graphgraph
User Offline Click here to see the profile of this user
Re:Is this too long? Too slow? 8 Years, 6 Months ago Karma: -5  
It's always going to be a personal preference thing. I imagine a lot of people skip to the AR anyway, so what can you do. But for those who like a good story with developed characters and a point to it, I think you do a fine job.

I think there are plenty of AR hints scattered throughout to keep us interested. There are only a few minor slips with grammar, the odd tense confusion and such, and the rest is stylistic so it's fine. (I'd hate to see a story written entirely within the rules. That would put me to sleep.)

My only advice is to edit it down when you revise or redraft. The conversations make for a very authentic setting, which is nice. The one between Ben and his parents about his schoolwork even reminds me of my high school days. ... Yuck. But it will pick up the pace if you can find a way to trim them back. Find the truly necessary parts and cut the rest.

Anyway, I'm definitely interested and I look forward to the rest.

To answer your extra question: the diaper thing confuses me too, but I suspect it's more of an Infantilism warning. You should be fine.
 
Report to moderator   Logged Logged  
  The administrator has disabled public write access.
Go to top Post Reply
Powered by FireBoardget the latest posts directly to your desktop

© 2019 The AR Archive
Joomla! is Free Software released under the GNU/GPL License.
 
Who's Online
We have 23 guests and 8 members online