Main Menu
Home
Stories
Discuss
Latest Images
Image Gallery
Captions Gallery
Dreamtales' AR Comics
About AR Archive Premium
About BoJay Premium
Videos
Large Media
Continuous Story
AR Chat
Links
Submit a Story
News
Terms and Conditions
Register
CB Login


  Home arrow Discuss


AR Search Engine - Search this selected other AR/AP sites Powered by Google


AR Archive Discussion Board
Welcome, Guest
Please Login or Register.    Lost Password?
In a Timely Fashion (AR/AP) (1 viewing) (1) Guests
Go to bottom Post Reply Favoured: 0
TOPIC: In a Timely Fashion (AR/AP)
#12508
danio13 (User)
Junior Boarder
Posts: 33
graphgraph
User Offline Click here to see the profile of this user
Re:In a Timely Fashion (AR/AP) 8 Years, 5 Months ago Karma: 0  
MrChristopher wrote:
Hi danio13:

I'm going to start by saying, I like the premise of the story but I must go into some of the negatives. The first thing I noticed was the wording and sentence structure. While you had all the right components to make the story flow, the pacing I found was a bit choppy. I stopped reading at points to think about what was being written because of this odd pacing.

I found a few spelling and grammar mistakes but for the time being, as this is a rough draft we wont bother with those. When Dianna is speaking, you have it formatted as if it were a _script_ when the other paragraphs read like a short story. Rather than having your characters speak in _script_, for example:

"Dianna: What is this supposed to be?"

You could have it read like this:

"What is this supposed to be?"

Also while you infer that Dianna and her daughter are having a hard time dealing with the death of their loved one, you do not write in personal emotions of _expression_s. Your de_script_ive skills are present but you only describe the remote, not the setting or how the character, Dianna, looks physically.

You have the makings of a great storyteller and I wish people had given me the consructive critisism I give people today, it would have helped me greatly. Also I hope to recieve more when I post my stories.

Don't give up on writing, you can only get better with practice.

P.S. Spellcheck and Grammartik, or someone to revise your work does wonders for your stories.


Thanks. hope to make this story as a interactive story.
 
Report to moderator   Logged Logged  
  The administrator has disabled public write access.
#12546
Piper (User)
Gold Boarder
Posts: 160
graphgraph
User Online Now Click here to see the profile of this user
Re:In a Timely Fashion (AR/AP) 8 Years, 5 Months ago Karma: 13  
In response to your question of 'where to go from here', you might want to consider using the device as a tool to helping the mother and daughter resolve their grief regarding the father. The device could first be used as a diversion and pain-killer, later forcing the characters to face their grief and clean up the mess they made while using it.

The mother could be feeling abandoned and rather tired, and use it to feel more energetic and happier like she used to be in college, highschool, maybe even childhood. By contrast, the daughter could want to fast-forward her life past this painful part and become independent, especially if she sees her mother acting childish. (After all, what child does not believe that their problems will vanish when she grows up?)

Even here the story could work a number of ways, from "the mother at first decides not to use it but soon finds that her daughter is changing", to "the daughter is mature for her age, finds out about the device a few days after her mother has been progressively using it, and decides to use the stored points to grow herself and take care of her mother", or more whimsically, "daughter youthens her mother and ages herself in order to go out and lure home a new father figure".

There are many possibilities, just try to stay true to the characters and relevant to the premise you've laid out.
 
Report to moderator   Logged Logged  
 
Last Edit: 2011/04/22 03:47 By Piper.
  The administrator has disabled public write access.
Go to top Post Reply
Powered by FireBoardget the latest posts directly to your desktop

© 2019 The AR Archive
Joomla! is Free Software released under the GNU/GPL License.
 
Who's Online
We have 53 guests and 8 members online