Thanks for the feed back. It is not a short story, there is a lot more. So all the notes about the not fleshedoutedness are spot on. Thanks everyone for taking the time. What I have put up so far is just part of the first act. Ill post more, and at some point when I am further in the story consider a formal narrator.
If you are into hardcore stuff this is not your story. Not sure how much sex will be in the story but I am making it up as I go. Fetishy, but not so much about dripping cocks and fucking every 3d page.
but like I said i like hearing what works for all of you. thank you.
Still working on it, still shaping it. Means a lot that you bothered.